Hello my friends,
Welcome back to your weekly mental health check! The coming weeks will entail a mini-series on emotions – negative emotions, that many of us don’t like to experience, though they are a genuine part of our lives. This will encompass envy, jealousy, anxiety, sadness and anger.
Today’s topic: envy. I think many of us experience this, even when we don’t want to. We are social animals and can’t help comparing us with others – better job, bigger house, more luxurious car – simply put, better life. Often, our own life is not lacking in anything from the outside. But it’s in our nature to focus not on what we have, but on what others have. Nowadays, this is further catalyzed by social media, which shows us only the highlights of everybody’s day-to-day achievements.
Why do we do this? Why are we often not satisfied with what we have, but always need to compare ourselves to others? Psychologists call this phenomenon upward comparison, where we compare our own lives to the lives of people who seemingly have more. Narcissists do the opposite: they compare themselves to people who are, in their eyes, less well off (“downward comparisons”). Interestingly, depressed patients tend to have accurate comparisons – neither upward nor downward, but with a cold, realistic, accurate perception. From an evolutionary perspective, envy is not a bad thing; it is an emotion that drives us towards goals. Should we feel ashamed when we feel envy towards something or someone? No! The emotion is simply a guide telling us that we want more of life. We need to listen to this and ask ourselves what this emotion is telling us. Often, it can guide us to a part of our life we are not happy with – one that we want to change but are afraid to, or don’t know how to. Recalling Epictetus, we should also make ourselves aware of what is within our control to change and influence, and what is beyond it. Is that achievement really important for us? Are we really aware of the costs, the effort and the energy it may entail? Such as other’s career achievements, which would entail countless hours working overtime and sacrificing our private life, or having that six pack, and going to the gym at 5 am before work and scrutinising every bite we put into our mouth. Are we ready to put in that effort?
The grass is always greener on the other side
If we were to listen to this emotion a bit more and address it more analytically, we would uncover much more of what our unconscious is trying to tell us. When you next experience envy, ask yourself: (i) which area of my life does this address; (ii) what exactly would I like to achieve for myself, and which emotions would I experience; (iii) is there a way to achieve this with my own means, and what effort does it take to get there; and (iv) finally, act or accept.
Stay tuned for next week, where we will look the jealousy – a misunderstood “negative” emotion.
Take care – and take charge!
See you next week,
It’s me, Jules, your biggest fan
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